Remembering family

In my ASAM 105 Seminar, we finished reading a graphic novel called “Level Up” and it was such a great read. In summary, it’s basically about a son who was told by his father that he had to become a doctor and not waste time on video games, etc. He drops out of college and even upon entering medical school drops out to live his dream of becoming a professional video gamer (sorry for all of the spoilers). It’s so good and it really got me thinking about how I have been influenced to go the path that I have chosen (or, could this path had been consciously laid out already?). I even made my cousin, a doctor himself, and my brother read it! My brother wasn’t as enlightened as I was, but he couldn’t put the book down upon picking it up so I think that was a sign he found it interesting. At the end of the book (close your eyes if you don’t want to know!), he ends up still going back to medical school.

We weren’t able to have a class discussion that day, but I’m curious as to how UIC students have chosen their majors (or have not chosen yet) and what is really influencing them (or not influencing them if they are making their “own damn choices” as the character Kat from the book says we do). The general consensus from the mini-discussion I had seemed to be that it’s mixed, but my brother is all for Kat’s perspective. As for me, I still ponder a little here and there (especially since I have been brainstorming for awhile on what to write for my personal statement).

I had a weird feeling when I was home two weekends ago. We had gone to visit my grandpa since it has been a whole year.

Wow. So I went to revisit the post I had written last year about it and tears just raced out of my eyes. I still can’t believe I can react like that…it’s been so long and I forgot what he looked like when he had cancer. It was such a difficult time for me and my family…ugh I hate how emotional I can be sometimes. I always feel like I’m weak because of it. My mom tells me all the time that I have to be stronger and stop crying over things, especially with my skin. When inflammation hits, the eczema gets so bad that I can’t stop scratching my face and I just bleed and cry and complain: “I hate my skin. I just want to die than put up with this.”

Visiting Ye Ye

It wasn't the whole family, but it was enough. My cousin works for Target and had gotten my grandma one of those Target dog plushes (I think his name is Spot?) for Christmas and she wanted to get one for our grandpa, too. She was scared the wind would blow it away or a naive kid would take it and run (that'd be so terrible) so she and her boyfriend got a cute gazebo-type apparatus and painted it red, housing the pup and also nailing it down so it won't move. My grandma is here on the right of the photo. I wonder what she feels inside when she thinks about my grandpa. I can't fathom losing a person you've known and endured with for 70 years! I already can't fathom with the 19 years I had knowing and being with him. It was very cold...

How many times have we all said that line? You know, “I just want to die.” I hate when I use that phrase. It’s never the answer. But sometimes emotions just take us down and we can only say what no one wants to hear. How do we bounce back? And when we do bounce back, how can we actually “overcome” the hardship?

I don’t think you really do. Even when things are resolved, per se, it still has existence in your emotional pool. You might not be outright bawling, but you might flinch or blink a little less because you’re caught in a moment in the past. With relationships, it’s the worst! Remember all of those friends we used to be close to and you guys either drifted, or one person just decided it was “over” because of a conflict? Regrets are regrets, but to think about it for more than five minutes is super unhealthy and changes your thinking in seconds. I’m always hit with this whenever I go home. I have a little box dedicated to special memories with people I used to be friends with, but now that I’m older I think it may just be better to have it as a memory in my head and to burn the evidence because it will only hurt me on the inside when I see it again.

Okay, this post is getting really off-topic and tangential. The weather has been crazy cold outside and I am not (nor my eczema) digging it, especially when I get out of my Kaplan class at 9 p.m. on Mondays and Wednesdays! I mainly just wanted to commemorate my grandfather and encourage everyone to keep in touch with their loved ones or be aware of your emotions and how they affect you so that the next time something “hits” you, you can be rational and strong for yourself and your family/peers.

Also, Happy February! Valentine’s day is around the corner…<3

Picutre of author

About Milie Fang, Biological Sciences / Pre-medicine

I am a senior and an acclaimed workaholic. While I like to keep busy academically, I really enjoy the simple pleasures of hanging out with friends and family, playing video games, or listening to music. When life seems to go well, allergies and eczema like to butt in and make me miserable. I hope to go into medicine so that I can have a better understanding of skin and the immune system to help myself, and to also help others facing the same problems I have faced since I was three.

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2 Responses to Remembering family

  1. Anonymous :) says:

    I have eczema as well, and I also want to be a doctor. Your blog posts are really informative and inspiring, so thanks for that! Just wanted to wish you luck with the MCAT. I still have a few years to go for that, but I can only imagine how much hard work it will take! You can do it. Also, sorry about your grandfather. Your family seems amazing and close, though. ❤

    • fang28 says:

      Aw I'm sorry to hear you have eczema too! Do you have medication for it? Because I've been studying for the MCAT every single day, I have been diligently applying my steroid medication to my face and neck so that I don't get distracted if I get itchy. I hate depending on medication, but in the end I'm technically sick and need medicine! >__< Sad fate I must accept (but hopefully I'll develop a cure one day, haha). I'm so glad you enjoy my blog posts! I hope we can talk more! And yes, my family is very close! I'm very fortunate to have them as my family. =)